You made me cry and you don't even care
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
