SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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