Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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