That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
