Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
