i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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