Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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