Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I need to sanitize my soul.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
