then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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