dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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