I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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