____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
