I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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