We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
4 words: hood of his car
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
