I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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