I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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