You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
