i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
