dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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