I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize