just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
