he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
