I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
