totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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