my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
