i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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