My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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