So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
