My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
