Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
