i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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