and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize