I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
