why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
love makes seman taste better
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
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