I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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