you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
