dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
