I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
