Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
