Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
