I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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