I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
