No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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