you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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