i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
