I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
