the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Found your dick twin last night
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Randomize
