Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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