Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Can you bring me the toilet please
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
