The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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