she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
nutella sex= disaster
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
