I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
