I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
