This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
