I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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