In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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