So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize