He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
