Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
