I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
