someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
