I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
