god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
