wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
